Don’t Judge

“What’s good for the goose is not always good for the gander.”

I don’t know where the goose saying came from but it is applicable to so many different situations. My thought when I began writing this was that everyone works through their feelings in their own ways. What works or helps on one day may not help a different day, and what works in one situation may not work in a different one. What’s important though is that your doing what’s best for YOU, regardless of what someone else might think.

We all pass judgement from time to time whether we mean to or not, so maybe I shouldn’t say “Don’t judge”, but rather be *mindful of the fact that you don’t know what someone else is feeling or thinking.

*Side note: I didn’t learn the term “mindful” until I was 34 years old and it’s not always an easy task.

I need coping strategies for little kids with anxiety please!

I work with pre-k / K age children who have been diagnosed with autism, many of which have high anxiety at times. I’m looking to expand my list of coping strategies for these children as wide as possible. I’m asking you to please comment with any and all coping strategies you’ve used or known to have been used with young children, and also please share this post so I can collect as many ideas as possible. I very much appreciate you taking your time to help me help these amazing children!

Why do I feel this way?

It’s not been long, maybe a couple days, but I’m feeling blue. Low energy, wanting to cry, higher anxiety than normal, just not good. I hate feeling this way because it frustrates me. I have things I’ve been wanting to get done and although I keep thinking about them, I also keep putting them off. It’s pretty simple stuff I’d say, going through a few bins of toys and dropping off things at Goodwill, stuff like that. I wear my emotions on my sleeve most of the time because I’m horrible at faking it, but because I know this I’ve been worrying if co-workers and families I work with are noticing that maybe I’m quieter or less energetic. Then I worry that they might think I’m going to do a bad job with their child. I have a pretty great reputation for how well I work with my clients and their families because I do love what I do, but then I start to worry that that will get ruined.

It’s also frustrating to me because I’m constantly trying to analyze what’s going on, why I’m feeling this way, and what am I lacking or have I been slacking on. I’m lucky enough to have been given this personal education about mental health/illness, but sometimes it’s even more frustrating because all of this knowledge is stirring around in my head.

I’m curious to know if any of you have for yourself one sure fire way, that always (or mostly always) works when you need to be pulled out of a slump. Unless it’s hugely obvious like I haven’t been exercising at all, or I need one or more of my meds refilled so I haven’t been taken them, (which I do not let that happen w my meds), or there’s been a significant life event, there is not one specific thing that works for me. Sometimes I know exactly what I need right away, sometimes it dawns on me like a lightbulb has been switched on, sometimes it’s a lot of trial and error, sometimes I see my Therapist to help me figure it out, and sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised that I just start to feel better.

As I sit here writing, I’m noticing that I’m not feeling as blue as earlier. Getting it all out of my head and in to writing must be the thing I needed today. It was a sneak attack!

A tool I’ve found helpful for myself is to have a list written down of all the things that work for me. This way, when I’m feeling low and it’s harder to think straight, or even at all, I can check it. Having it written down is key because it’s pretty likely that when you’re feeling low, it’ll be harder to recall that list. I also have a checklist of all the pieces of my own personal puzzle, as I like to call it, that I know I need regularly to stay healthy.

I love when people post things from their own personal list of coping mechanisms and self-care ideas. I think it’s so important to share with each other because you never know who may need and decide to try something new today. Something that you do all the time, that maybe doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal, could actually be life saving to someone else. That being said, I’d like to share with you my 2 favorite YouTube channels for yoga!

Adriene

The first one I’d like to recommend is Yoga with Adriene. Adriene is an excellent instructor for everyone at every level. She has a different video for pretty much any mood you’re in, for strength, for weight loss, for PMS, for headaches, for just about everything. They go anywhere from 15 min to an hour so you can pick what fits your schedule too!

Sadie Nardini

Secondly, I love Sadie Nardini’s yoga videos just as much! Her videos are a little more intense and fast paced but she also has a wide variety of practices.

I don’t know about you, but I get bored easy with my workouts so I often mix them up. If you’re interested in trying something new, check these ladies out!

Reflecting Back, Acceptance

I used to hate that quote with the passion! “It is what it is” people would say, and I would be so irritated, not to say that sometimes it still doesn’t bug the hell out of me, but having an understanding of what it really means now gives me a different perspective.

Acceptance 4/6/2016 1 Comment I have been thinking about acceptance a lot lately. Over the past couple of months and probably even longer, I have asked myself over and over and over, why me? Why is this happening to me? Why do I feel this way? Also saying things to myself like, I hate this! This is too hard! I don’t want to do it anymore! Now I am not here to say that those thoughts don’t happen anymore because they most definitely do, but I have noticed that when I can come to terms with something, and accept it for what it is, whether I like it or not, it’s easier to find a solution to the problem. Ironically this was also the topic in group today, reality acceptance. We have to practice accepting certain things for what they are, and then decide how we want to handle them. Sometimes we do need to be miserable for awhile before we can change things or accept certain things. Some situations are uncontrollable and cannot be changed to what we want them to be. When I was first diagnosed officially  with depression and anxiety that was a little bit scary, but I had hope and strength that I could get through it. In the beginning I was very worried about what others would think because of the stigma of mental illness. Since being open and honest though and putting it all out there, I have come across so many people that DO understand and that have the same or very similar experiences as me. I often had times though too of thinking, there is NO WAY IN HELL I am ever going to survive this. I know I probably mention this in almost every single post, but I am so so so entirely grateful for my support system who have helped and continue to help keep me going. I started feeling pretty positive and was seeing myself on this slow and steady uphill climb with my recovery, and then all of a sudden I crashed again. Then I really started panicking, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, why this is happening, wondering if I am way more sick than I really thought I was, did I push myself too hard, why why why!!!!!??? I was very scared, but as tempting as it was, I was not going to give up. I contacted my psychiatrist so I could let him know what was going on, and was worried that I wasn’t on the correct meds. My mood swings were/are or can be ridiculously awful, and just the fact that I felt like I was almost all the way back to square one was telling me something was off, just not quite right. Considering my family history, and talking more in depth with the psychiatrist, we decided to try new medication being that I have been displaying more characteristics of bipolar, and not just anxiety and depression. This also was scary for me a little bit, but I feel confident now that the bipolar is acknowledged, and I am able to correctly treat and manage my illness. One very important thing that I feel I have learned is that I have to take ownership of this. Having a support system and reading books, and blogs and talking to others and going to therapy and living a healthy lifestyle are all very important things and tools to help you, but this is something we have to accept before we can begin to manage it. It is MY RESPONSIBILITY if I want to live a healthy lifestyle and feel good, to take the proper measures to be able to do so. Nobody is going to do it for me. There is no magic cure or magic pills to take all the bad away. Yes, others can help support and encourage, and we definitely can and should in my opinion continue to educate ourselves and explore what works for us. BUT, if we cannot accept it, we can’t move forward. I know it is NOT easy at all, and there is so very much to learn and take in, and it seems to take a long time to figure it all out, but I just want to say, be an advocate for yourself. Do what you need to help yourself, we cannot expect others to do it for us. In my short little experience with all of this so far I find it very empowering and quite confidence building when I really push myself and see how much I am truly capable of. It feels so good to feel proud of myself!!

Reflecting Back, Never Give Up

April must have been the month I was most inspired. Some of these posts I believe as I look back, were just as much for my own good as I intended them to be for others.

Never Give Up!!! 4/10/2016 0 Comments I seem to think of or come across that saying a lot that says something along the lines of, anything worth having doesn’t come easy. Well, even though there seem to be many times where it feels like it isn’t, life itself is worth living. Even in the periods when there are more bad days than good, the good days or parts of days even make it so worth it. The bad days, hours, minutes, or moments  are where the fighting comes in. I think for me at least, the hardest part is that the fight isn’t always the same. There is not one specific thing or way that always works. There are so so so many different strategies, coping skills, and/or activities that can be used. What gets so frustrating sometimes is that I will go through and try 6 different things before I find something that works, if I even do at that time. I am learning though, that sometimes the fighting doesn’t quite work. Even though it sucks, sometimes you, or at least I do, have to just let yourself be miserable for a little while, until you are ready to make the change. It is just like anything, starting a diet, quitting a bad habit, getting in to a new routine. You cannot fool yourself into being ready. You have to want the change, and want to feel better. I think this again is where the patience and kindness comes in. If you are not ready to feel better and you want to lay in bed for half of your day until you are ready to get up and start feeling better, you cannot beat yourself up about that. Easier said then done, I know! But, as we have been learning with each new skill in group, start with the small things. Practice on being kind and patient with the smaller issues first before you try it on something bigger. I was panicking on Friday about work, money, and insurance things and I felt so awful. I knew that I let myself get to that point, and I laid here thinking about things I probably could be doing to feel better, but I wasn’t ready to. My body and mind needed to just feel bad for awhile before it could start feeling better. I had to be patient with myself because I knew I wasn’t ready and I was in crisis and needed to get past it. I also had to be kind telling myself that this is okay, and that even though I wasn’t able to meet my friends out for awhile, they all understood and still love and support me. Again I know, not that simple, but that is something, as you can probably see by now if you’re keeping up with my blog, that I have been continuously practicing. Another thing I have been working so hard on is living in the moment. One of my goals for this weekend was to simply have some FUN! I found myself a few times Friday night, a little bit Saturday, and even yet this morning starting to worry again about the same things that had me down on Friday afternoon. With the practice though, I was able to notice that I was starting to feel bad, and remind myself that there is nothing I can do about it all right now since it is the weekend, and that I am going to get it all worked out on Monday. I cannot say that this is fool proof and that it always works, like I said earlier. But I am really starting to see that with the practice of the skills, they start to come more naturally. Again I will say too, the exercise I really really believe helps a ton. Being active, even if its vigorous cleaning or whatever, is so beneficial. One more thing that I really am believing in right now is medicine. I was so very worried about having to take meds at first, but my goodness, the (correct)  meds in combination with living a healthy lifestyle is changing my life! They key is to remember though, the meds will not work all on their own. The good days, moments, hours, and minutes are SO WORTH THE FIGHT!!! Sooner rather than later you will start having more good times than bad, and doing what’s good for you will come natural. That’s not to say you will never have bad times again, but if you keep fighting, you will be more equipped to handle them better, and get past them faster. NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

Reflecting Back, Love

Another April 2016 post, this time about love, significant others, and mood swings. I cannot even put in to words how grateful I am that I was given the opportunity to gain such an important education in order to get me to where I am today. These types of mood swings, that I talk about below, RARELY happen anymore to me.

Love 4/13/2016 0 Comments I used to think, when you love someone so much, so much that you can feel the love throughout your entire body, mind and soul, how could you ever be mean or nasty to them? As a matter of fact I still can’t believe it’s possible, but speaking from experience, it happens. I am pretty sure it’s not only people with mental illness who occasionally get ugly towards their significant other, but for me I feel like these mood swings I have been experiencing make me get so nasty and mean sometimes. MOST of the time it stays in my head, but occasionally parts of it slip out and tonight it pretty much all did. Now please let me be clear, I am NOT using my illness as an excuse because I take full responsibility in learning how to control it. Unfortunately though, I am unable to fully fight it 100% of the time. That said, I also take full responsibility for my words and actions. Once words are said, there is no taking them back, and I used to be really good at thinking before I speak. I still more often than not am, but obviously that is changing. As I reflect on my conversation with Sara from earlier I feel like it wasn’t even me. It’s so strange, it’s like someone else took over my brain, the demons maybe. Again, I don’t hear voices, but it’s like… even though I can think to myself… Crystal Lynn! Just get your ass out of bed, go for a walk around the building because you know the fresh air helps you, and take 15 minutes to clean up the living room and kitchen and you will start to feel so much better! But then in the same breath my brain also goes… Might as well just stay in bed, who cares if the living room is clean, fuck it, I’ll just get up when I absolutely have to. It is so absolutely exhausting!! I would never have thought that just experiencing so many intense emotions in one day could be so draining, even if they are mostly good! I am soooooooo much in love with Sara and the last thing I want to do to her, and anyone I love, is hurt her. I really can’t help but to fear that someday my illness will be too much for her to handle. Do any of you feel that way? I can’t be the only one. It’s such an awful feeling because hurting someone you love and care for so deeply is just as hurtful to yourself. At least in my opinion and experience. All I can do is fight this illness like hell, educate myself as much as possible, and pray that it’ll never get so bad that the unimaginable happens. I may be saying this to convince myself more than anything else, but I have to keep hope and keep believing that I am going to continue to get stronger and healthier!

Reflecting Back, Self Compassion and Confidence

This post was from April 2016 also. I was pretty proud of being able to write that letter to myself.

Self Compassion and Confidence 4/19/2016 1 Comment Today in group we learned about self compassion. Basically, being kind to ourselves. We talked about how we can change our negative thoughts in to compassionate ones, by starting to notice when we are actually having them. What I got from this lecture and practice, was breaking it all down. What I mean by that is, first noticing the thoughts such as, “Why am I so stupid that I cannot pass this test?” To be able to change it you have to realize that you’re even doing it. Then by breaking it down I mean really take that sentence or thought apart. First of all is it a fact or an opinion. What are the facts surrounding this situation? What can I change so that I can be more successful next time I am in this situation? I may not know how to do something, but the fact is, I CAN learn and do better the next time. We were given an exercise at the end of the day to imagine ourselves meeting the sad, depressed, angry, frustrated version of ourselves, listening to that person telling us what they are struggling with and want help with, and then we went our separate ways, but were asked to write a letter to that person, that version of you. When I feel weak, I have very little self confidence that I can do much of anything. That is what I wrote my letter to me about, and I would like to share it with all of you in case any one of you can relate.Dear Crystal, I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but that confidence is there! I’ve seen it and felt it shine many many times!! Try to remember how that feels. You are not alone. Never forget that. BELIEVE in yourself because whatever you’re struggling with, you ALWAYS work your way through. You are a very strong woman. You will need to remember to be kind to yourself as well as patient. Sad, frustrated, angry feelings are just as worthy as happy, proud, and hopeful feelings. Having “down” feelings doesn’t define you, just as having good feelings doesn’t. You’re trying hard, and not giving up and that right there is HUGE!!! Don’t forget to celebrate the little things, and look always for the silver lining. The storm ALWAYS passes. Love, Crysta

Reflecting Back, A New Life

This post was from April 2016. No matter which way I look at it, it still feels to me like I started life over in many ways. It’s interesting to me that my old blog came across my path this morning, when JUST LAST NIGHT I was talking with a friend who is going through something similar in his life for the first time right now.

A New Life 4/27/2016 1 Comment I know I have said this before, but I will say it again, I really feel like I am learning to live a whole new life. I thought up until 2 weeks ago I had already hit rock bottom, but then one day I decided to do something I had never done before. As any of you with mental illness know, or even those of you who have loved ones experiencing mental illness, it can be a CONSTANT battle. The battle is completely exhausting, and I got to the point where I was just so tired of feeling. All the ups and downs were just too much and I wanted a break. I made a very impulsive decision to self medicate by taking a handful of leftover sleeping pills I wasn’t using anymore and swallowing them down with a beer. I just wanted to be numb for awhile and not sleep or think. I had gotten my girls off to school, and I came home and had nothing scheduled for the day and I was so exhausted. I pretty much was able to go to sleep immediately and I never heard the texts coming through from Sara. We typically chat throughout the day when we can, and since I wasn’t answering her she got worried. She came home on her lunch which was about 2 hours into my sleep, and was extremely distraught. She called her best friend to come over in a panic and they together decided to call 911. I was brought to the hospital and checked out completely, and am EXTREMELY lucky that I didn’t do any damage. The next day at therapy it was suggested that I go back to the partial hospitalization program which is full days, 6 days a week. Today was my 9th day in round 2 of PHP, and I am getting so much more out of it this time around. I thought the first time that I was ready to rebuild, and that that is what I was doing. I realize it was a start, but now I am truly ready and strong enough to keep the recovery process going. Unfortunately I feel like I had to reach that rock bottom point before I could come back up. I feel like I am a different person in so many ways. My diagnosis of bipolar has changed my life. First of all one of what I kind of consider the smaller of some of the changes, is taking meds every day, and being very regimented in doing so. I was scared of meds for a long time, and always felt that taking any psych meds was like admitting I am crazy. I now pretty much feel the opposite. I am accepting and owning my illness, and taking responsibility in order to manage my recovery. Another change is the way I look at exercise. For the past 8 or 9 years I have been exercising regularly, but I always made it a challenge, and would be hard on myself if I didn’t have a ‘good enough’ workout or didn’t exercise at least 5 days a week for 45 min to an hour each time. Getting exercise is still very important to me, but now I look at it as more of a therapy than anything. I am also finding it easier to be okay with walking instead of running if that’s what I’m feeling that day, or doing an easier yoga video instead of one that nearly kills me. I am learning to gauge what my mind and body needs and is up for. I don’t always get it right the first time, but I will then try other things if needed to calm, or come back to the present. Eating healthy , as well as regularly, has been heavily pushed in therapy so that is another thing that I have been much more conscious of. If I wasn’t feeling hungry before I would just not eat. Or if I stuffed myself at lunch I wouldn’t eat anything for dinner. I would go through spurts of eating “healthy” and then not caring so much. I am learning that if it’s getting late past a time where I would normally eat a meal, even though I don’t necessarily feel hungry, I need to eat. That is when I start to notice myself feeling “low”: sad, tired, more depressed, very easily agitated or angry by things that typically wouldn’t be such a big deal. Just recently I have been able to catch myself and stop and think, “Have I eaten?” Many times the answer is no. It’s amazing to me how eating can turn my mood around in such a short time sometimes. I have been trying extremely hard to stop and think when I am feeling bad, and see if I can determine the reasons why, and then go from there. At this point not too many things come very naturally. I pretty much have to think about every move I make and every feeling and emotion I have. I don’t want to destroy or not be able to enjoy the good feelings and times by worrying about when the bad ones are coming back, and I don’t want to get stuck in the bad feelings. Sometimes that is easier said than done, but I am beginning to be able to feel them coming, and am learning my triggers. The therapists all reassure us that these things will start to come more naturally in time and with practice, but that light is hard to see right now. I do have to believe that I will get to that point though. Just because you can’t quite see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there. I am very proud of the progress I have been making, and that is in big part what helps me to keep going. I am still completely exhausted at the end of each day mostly from working so hard in my head, but I am finally noticing that the hard work is paying off. I am beginning to have more good moments than bad, and I am not feeling like every so often I get whacked with a sack of bricks. Therefore my anxiety of when that next knock down is coming has been lessening and I am able to enjoy the good times. Practicing mindfulness by living in the moment is one of the biggest changes I believe I have been practicing. Enjoying or working through the here and now is a skill I lacked before. I used to constantly be focusing on what’s coming up and how much I have to do. I would start one thing, and then jump to the next because it was on my mind without finishing the first! Then I would all of a sudden have 8 things going on at once, none of them ever completed before getting completely overwhelmed and ultimately shutting down. I am really beginning to find the joy by living in the present. It’s definitely not an easy skill to do especially when you’re so used to and conditioned to focusing on what’s coming up, or how it happened last time. Even though it feels like complete shit sometimes, I am really trying to embrace my illness and look at it as a gift, not a curse. In these 2 short months I have learned an extraordinary amount of information about my illness, other types of mental illnesses, many new coping skills, how important living a healthy lifestyle is, and that there is more than one component in maintaining a healthy and happy life. Having the bad moments has truly helped me to appreciate so much more the good ones. This is still the very beginning of my journey, and I still have a lot of work to do, but I look forward to what’s to come. I ultimately hope to help and inspire others along the way in their own journey to good health!

Reflecting Back, What Depression Looks Like in Me

This post is from May of 2016. It’s not easy, but YOU are worth it. Never stop learning!

What Depression Looks Like in Me 5/15/2016 1 Comment I think I am continuously learning things about myself and my illness, some of which I consider good, and some of which I consider bad. When I am in depression I do have all of they “typical” symptoms that you hear talked about so much like sadness, crying, having to ‘fake it to make it’, tired all the time, don’t want to see people, would rather just hide away from life altogether. As I reflect though, I am thinking it is so much more. Sometimes it seems like ALL of my emotions are completely out of control. The tiniest of things can make me cry happy tears, throw me into a panic attack, make my blood boil inside, and even say mean things I don’t mean. I get super sensitive sometimes and make everything about me even if I know damn well it’s not. I feel like I am constantly battling myself, there is a war going on in my head. I have a logical side, and an illogical side. I kind of picture it as an angel and a devil sitting on each shoulder. Sadly, the devil is much stronger than the angel. Sometimes when I am lying in my bed, and have been there for quite awhile (hours) one part of my brain is saying, “Come on Crystal, let’s try a walk or some music, or cleaning or a bath or exercise or…”  a million other things! But then the other part of my brain pretty much freezes me into my bed. It seems so damn simple, like just get your ass up, come on, you’ve got nothing to cry about, get up and move.  I wish it were that simple. And it’s thought’s like those that make me feel even WORSE! They teach us in group to be kind and patient with ourselves. To practice mindfulness, and reality acceptance, and opposite action, and so many other things which are awesome coping strategies to have, but the key is to be able to implement them. I clearly need a lot more practice. Yes, again, I am pretty new to all of this, and for the amount of time it took for me to get to this place, I have to remember I’m not going to get back in 3 months. Even though I know that though I can’t say I don’t ever get in denial. Or maybe I should say I try and wish it away. Another thing I find myself doing, which I believe comes along with the depression, is blowing things completely out of proportion, picking fights, and taking everything personally. This is definitely NOT a good thing. Making mountains out of molehills as they say. This is something I did today as a matter of fact, and right now I am wishing that I could start this day over again. I took something someone told me, and although it initially hurt my feelings, but then was explained and I understood it, my brain wouldn’t let me take in the explanation and accept it for what it was. So this led to a very unnecessary argument, and resulted in my not following through with plans, and lying in bed for 3 hours or so being and feeling like an asshole. It is a vicious cycle, and it is so extremely exhausting. I can’t help but to constantly ask myself, will this ever become less exhausting? Why do I have to work so hard when others it just comes naturally? It’s not fair! I know I know, those are all the WRONG things to be saying and thinking, but those thoughts are what naturally pop in to my head. With practice I can sometimes turn them around, and other times not so much. Living with mental illness is no joke, and I get why some people don’t understand and want to say, “Come on just get up why is it that hard?”, because I find myself trying to tell myself those same words and I DO understand mental illness. The therapists teach us to practice these coping skills on the little things first like washing the dishes, or getting stuck in traffic. I really need to remember to keep doing that. The point of it, even though it may seem silly, is to get good at it so it comes more naturally and then you’re able to use those coping skills in a crisis moment. Oh, as I write that last sentence, I think the word crisis means different things to different people. Hearing the word, crisis, used to strike me as something pretty serious and kind of scary even. It definitely is a scary and serious time in a person’s life, but what I’m trying to say is, I now think more that there is a spectrum. What one person’s crisis may be could be someone else’s joy. It’s nobody’s job to determine what a crisis moment is to you, so I am going to be and continue working on not bashing myself for my feelings and emotions, but working hard to recognize them before they get out of control, observing them, and determining what I want, need and am able to do about them, if anything at all.

Reflecting Back, Don’t Forget

This post is from July of 2016, and it is the last post I had made on my previous blog. I am going to post each one separately, there aren’t too many.

Don’t Forget 7/3/2016 0 Comments Over the last 6 weeks or so I have transitioned back from straight therapy and self-care, to working full time again and training for my next Ragnar race. (This will be my 3rd!) I was very worried about whether or not I would be able work full time again while also managing every day life and making sure to keep up all the components in my currently successful recovery. It has been 3 full weeks and I have been going to work every day, I’ve been running every other day, I’ve attended functions, I haven’t cancelled plans with friends, and the times of panic that do come have been much shorter. I am very proud of how far I’ve come. There was one point when I couldn’t see past the darkness and never imagined I’d feel this way again. Near the end of my intensive outpatient therapy I was functioning pretty well again, but it felt still like so much effort was needed to get through each day. For the past 3 weeks or so though I haven’t felt that. Things are coming naturally again. That is such a wonderful feeling when I stop and reflect, but it also kind of scares me. Even though most of us don’t want to relive the negative parts of our past, I don’t want to ever forget where I’ve come from or start taking life for granted. They say anything worth having is worth fighting for and I am willing to fight for a happy and healthy life!